30 Day Creative Writing Challenge - Day 3 (September 11th)

I decided that since it's September 11th (although, as I type this, it's actually 14 minutes into September 12th), I should specifically aim today's post towards the subject of that day. The list told me that whatever I wrote today needed to be about my favorite food, and while I could write some little short story about someone eating pizza and being affected by the attacks, I think I'll just stick to writing something a little more personal that doesn't actually involve pizza (maybe I'll save that for another day). I was, however, inspired by a tweet sent out today by ShayCarl that said "Say right now the things you would have said to your loved ones if you were on one of those flights 10 years ago today." Now, I can't imagine making that last call home, to a significant other, to a child, but I thought it would be a little theraputic to at least try to write what I would want to say to everyone I know and love if I knew it was the last thing they'd hear for me. In order to also stay on the 30 day challenge while doing this, I'll be crossing Day 28 off the list. That day is "A suicide note" and while this isn't exactly a suicide note, as no one but the hijackers on those planes died because they set out to do so, it is still pretty similar, as it will be what I would write to these people if it was the last correspondence I would have before my death. Does that make sense? Good, let's get started.


First of all, before I even get into writing the letter/s, I want to talk about the day itself and my personal experience with it. I know, we've all heard everyone's story a million times, but sometimes you just need to say it again. I think one of the first things I should say is that I have never felt all too emotionally connected with the September 11th attacks. I don't know if maybe I just hadn't cognitively developed enough yet to understand it enough to be sad or scared. I definitely don't remember being either one of those things. In fact, I remember thinking "I live in the middle of nowhere so I'm safe", and I actually still have the mindset the majority of the time now, which is actually a pretty ignorant way to live. Anyway, the morning of September 11th, 2001, I had a doctor's appointment at 8:45 a.m. The office was fairly empty and my mom and I were the only ones in the waiting room. They had a TV in the corner that played health-related shows, but nothing else. I remember my mom started to get ansty, she wondered what was taking them so long, it wasn't like there was a line or anything. What we didn't know was that at 8:46, the first plane hit the first WTC. All of a sudden, two nurses burst through the waiting room door carrying a TV. They tried frantically to get it to work for about 5 minutes but didn't succeed. After telling my mom that a plane had crashed into one of the World Trade Centers, they took me back to a room. I was there for a check-up and not at all happy about it. My mom and the nurse kept talking about the the plane that had hit the tower and I didn't like it - I just wanted to get the appointment done and over with. I remember not understanding what the big deal was. In my ten-year-old brain, a tower was a cell-phone or radio tower, so when I pictured a plane hitting a tower, I pictures one of those tiny two-passenger planes hitting a cell phone tower. After the appointment we got in the car and, having recently become obsessed with country music, I immediately turned the radio to my favorite station. My mom said, "No, we need to listen to the news." I was so angry. I didn't understand what the big deal was. Just then the radio DJ came on and said that the second WTC had been hit by a plane. I can still remember my mom's gasp and she raised her hand to her mouth and whispered "Oh, my God". I almost laughed. Couldn't these planes see the towers. I mean, I had never driven a plane, but could it be that hard to see a radio tower? I don't remember what my mom said to me, if she even said anything at all. I do know that we drove the 15 minutes home while listening to the news, which I was still incredibly upset about. My mom dropped my off at school (to this day I still have no idea why she didn't choose to just take me home) and I went back to my classroom as if it was any other day. I walked into the classroom, sat down, and opened up the book we were reading. Not more than two minutes later the office came over the intercom in the room and asked to have me sent back to the office. Because I had just come from the doctor I thought "Oh, my God, they found something wrong with me" (not joking, that's actually what I thought), and then, on top of that, I felt embarrassed. I was a painfully shy child and when I stood up in class, I knew every pair of eyes was on me. When I got down to the office, I saw that my little brother and sister had also been called down. We were told that our dads were here to pick us up and we were going home. While I was excited to be getting out of school, I didn't understand why. On the way home my dad tried to explain what had happened to us. At this point, it was probably about 9:30. I know I didn't understand him and I still pictured the radio towers and small planes. When we arrived home just before 10 am, my dads took us downstairs and sat us in front of the TV, having already turned on CNN. We didn't want to watch the news, but dads insisted. They said, "This will be important someday. This is big. It's going to change the world." (They also later did this at the start of the Iraq war, waking us up in the middle of the night to watch the first bombs drop). I remember having the sudden realization that these "towers" were not actually radio towers, but were, in fact, building - huge buildings, bigger than any building I'd ever seen. Still, though, the reality didn't set in. Again, my 10-year-old brain just couldn't comprehend death in that magnitude. I didn't understand that someone didn't like us, that that was why this was happening. I don't think I really connected the dots for many years later. Just a few minutes after I had my realization, the first tower began to crumble. I don't remember my feelings about this, in fact, I'm pretty sure I had very few feelings about it. My dads had us watch the news for the rest of the day. Some people might say that was a bad decision, that they should have shielded us from the horrors of the screen, but to this day, I am so thankful that they made me watch it. It really did change the world. My lack of emotion regarding September 11th actually remained until this year. Before this year, I had never shed a tear regarding that day, never really felt sad or scared, either. I always felt incredibly guilty about it. I knew I should feel something, but I just didn't. I have a theory that it was because it happened before I had the ability to understand it and by the time I could understand it, I had seen it so many times that it was like watching a movie, but maybe that's just me making excuses for myself. During a trip to Gettysburg, Pennsylvania in 2004 with my family, we literally stumbled across the crash sight of Flight 93, and in 2003, I made the trip to Washington, D.C., but even then, I felt no emotion. Either way, though, that all changed this year. And I don't know if it was all the years of having no emotion or what, but this year I literally could not stop being emotional. Every time I saw something on the news, I would tear up. I couldn't watch any of the specials without crying. And on the way home today, they played a song in memory of the people who died that day and I just started crying like crazy. And then I was doing one of those laugh-cry things where you're laughing at yourself while you're crying because you don't really know why you're crying. Maybe it's because I understand death a little more, because I am getting better at putting myself in other people's shoes, or maybe it's because my little brother finished Fire Academy a couple months ago and is now a professional fireman. Maybe it's all of those things rolled into one, but I mostly think it's just because I'm growing up.


I honestly don't expect anyone to read that entire story, but that's awesome if someone did. Anyway, on to what this post is REALLY supposed to be about - what I would write to my friends and family if I was on one of those flights that day and I knew I was going to die (and someone had a way to get a letter to them, lol). I am going to try to make it a bit creative, maybe add in a bit of a story-line. We'll see. :

Day 3
To my parents: We had our fair share of disagreements and full-blown arguments, but I wouldn't trade any of you - Mom, Dad, J.R. - for any other parents in the world. You loved me from the very first day and I know you will continue loving me until the day you die. You love me despite my flaws. You know me better than I probably even know myself. You were always there to catch me when I fell. Please don't think that just because those moments went unrecognized they were unnoticed - they were not. Dad, I always kept that little bottle cap pin you gave me when I got my heartbroken - the one that came with the card that said sometimes life is like pop and we get fizz up our nose. Remember that when I'm gone. It might feel like you got some fizz up your nose, but it'll get better, and you still have a full bottle of pop to drink :) Mom, don't think I didn't notice all the sacrifices you made to make sure we had what we needed. Don't think I didn't notice all the effort you put into dinners and cleaning the house and taking care of so many kids. J.R., you were always like a father to me. I know that I didn't tell you very often how I felt about you, but always know that I loved you.

To my siblings: Joe, I'm so proud of what you have accomplished. You've wanted to be a firefighter since you were a little boy, and now you are one! Never give up on your dreams and keep pushing yourself to do better things. I love you! Hayley, you've grown into such an amazing young woman. You're so determined and motivated - things I've always been jealous of. I hope you keep those traits with you you're whole life. I also hope that someday soon you'll get the courage to do what you it is you know you need to do. People will get over it and realize there are much worse things. Michael, I've missed you so much over the last 7 years that you haven't been around, but I never stopped loving you. I will always be your butthead. I'm sorry that I never got to meet Addison and Michael JR, but they are beautiful children and they have a wonderful daddy! Mya, I always wanted a big sister and I couldn't be more proud to call you mine now. Please tell Maddy and Johnny that their Aunt Brenna loved them more than they will ever know! Justin and Tiffany, you both have grown so much since we were younger and I am so proud of where you're heading. Keep going and never stop. I love you! The rest of my siblings, I wish we had all been closer, but I guess that's all we have left now, isn't it? Just wishes and could've-beens. Know that I always counted all of you as siblings and I always will. 


To my grandparents: Grandma, you were my best friend and greatest ally throughout the majority of my life. Thanks for listening when no one else would. Thanks for believing me when no one else did. Thanks for standing by me through thick and thin, and for standing beside me during the toughest of times. Kno that I heard every story, remembered every recipe, and cherished every gift. Love you with all my heart. Grandpa, please know that I was always grateful for every single penny you gave me and know that I knew that I didn't deserve any of it. Some of my favorite memories are fishing on the lack with you, or riding on the boat with you and grandma. My favorite smell in the whole world to this day is still the smell of your house on Austin. It was my favorite place in the whole world and it was like a palace to me as a little girl. Thank you for everything you taught me. Barb, you're just like a grandma to me and I'm so glad my grandpa found you. He couldn't have found anyone better! 


To my aunts, uncles, and cousins: I love you all so much. Family get-togethers were some of my favorite times. I know you're supposed to hate getting together with your family, but there's honestly nothing I would rather do. 


To Devyn: How do you even say goodbye? I want to thank you for the person I became and the huge impact you had on who I am. You are literally my best friend and the only person on this planet I feel truly and completely knows me. You know every part of me, inside and out. We've said and done incredibly hurtful things to each other, and, while I can't speak for you, I know that for me, in the end, I don't remember those things. Instead, I remember all the good times. I know that I talk a lot of the time about the anger inside of me, but know that I won't die with it. I guess a lot of things come into perspective when you know you won't wake up tomorrow. You loved me despite what I look like, despite my emotional rollercoasters, despite my manic states, despite everything. Know that no matter how much I hate my body and myself sometimes, I felt worthy and beautiful for at least one minute of my life because of you. I love you.

To Ariel: I'm sad that we won't end as friends, but know that I always counted you as a friend. You know me so well and although we grew apart in the later years, know that you'll always be PC to me. Love, NC. 


To Kristen: I will never forget the time you stayed up all night with me. You are literally the reason I'm alive right now. This is the moment I'm truly supposed to die, not in my bedroom that night. So thank you. <3


To Lauren, A & C (and the rest of Central friends): Thank you so much for making my two years there the very best two years a girl could ask for. How much money did we spend on food? Go eat some Hungry Howies and Pocky for me :) Love you.


To internet friends: Whoever says you can't find friends over the Internet never met you guys. Noxy, Sam, Emily, Sue, Christina, FAYAF, FABP, and I'm sure I'm missing a million more people...there are just so many. You all know me better than anybody IRL and you still talk to me....for some reason. Haha. DFTBA.


To the rest of my friends and family: Know I would love to say goodbye to each one of you personally and thank you for the impact you had upon my life, but it would take me much longer than I have right now, but know that each one of you were important to my life in some way and I love you all.

30 Day Creative Writing Challenge - Day 2

As you know, yesterday I started the 30 Day Creative Writing Challenge, and, while I should be sleeping, I thought I should probably do the second day of the challenge. What's the point of a challenge if you don't put some effort into it? And, let me tell you, this one was effort. I haven't written more than 5 poems in the last 4 years, and so that's what I set out to do today. I have never set out to purposely write a poem. During the time in my life when I was writing a lot of poems, I still never set out to purposely write something - it always just came to me. I knew pretty much what I wanted to write about, I just didn't know how I wanted to say it. So after trying multiple methods and twisting and turning on my bed for an hour and a half, this is what I came up with.

Day 2

A couple (I stretched this idea a bit, since it's not actually based off of a couple, but I'm sure many couples could relate to it)

Rain slaps against the window
The world could be ending
But all I can feel are

Hands

The smell of your skin
Innocence meets decisions
But all I can think of are

Lips

Sounds of breathing
The movement of bodies
And I realize this is not

Love 

30 Day Creative Writing Challenge - Day 1

Early this morning I decided to change the name of my blog (or at least the URL) to "brennawritesstuff" just because I kind of want this to be about whatever I want, not just NaNoWriMo (although that will primarily be the focus). I have a Tumblr and I post unnecessary crap all over the Internet, but I kind of want this blog to be important. I want everything I put on here to take effort, time, and thought. Today I came across a 30 Day Creative Writing Challenge and I thought that might be a good way to lead up to NaNo and kind of get the creative juices flowing a little. This is going to be a bit hard for me because I am so self-conscious of my writing (or anything, lol). I never think it's good and, ugh, I don't know, haha, but I have to get over my fear. I did also find a 30 day NaNo challenge, so I'll be beginning that on October 1st. Because of that, I'll be excluding about 8 or so days of the challenge I'll be doing this month so that I don't have to post more than one per day. The 30 Day Creative Challenge is as follows:

"Write creatively. Any style/form goes.

• Day 1: Something you love.
• Day 2: A couple.
• Day 3: Your favorite food.
• Day 4: A pair of eyeglasses.
• Day 5: Something historical.
• Day 6: Family.
• Day 7: A pet who is loved.
• Day 8: Something personal.
• Day 9: A love poem.
• Day 10: Something you hate.
• Day 11: An adventure!
• Day 12: A favorite memory.
• Day 13: 'Remember that time when...'
• Day 14: Friends.
• Day 15: A challenge.
• Day 15: Faeries.
• Day 17: Old friends.
• Day 18: Explosions!
• Day 19: Pirate-Ninja-Zombie Wars.
• Day 20: A short fanfic.
• Day 21: Something...erotic. (I'll probably be skipping this day! LOL)
• Day 22: Something irritating.
• Day 23: An argument.
• Day 24: An important conversation in the style of a movie script.
• Day 25: Volcanoes!
• Day 26. Yourself.
• Day 27: Your parents.
• Day 28: A suicide note.
• Day 29: An idea.
• Day 30: Triumph!"

So here we go...DAY 1!

Something you love

Well, something I love is reminiscing, and yesterday I came across a box full of notebooks (probably close to 30 of them) filled with journal entries, poems, songs, etc., that I wrote when I was a teenager, so I'm going to cheat a little today and put one of those as today's post. I don't actually remember writing this, but it is in my handwriting and I searched on Google but came up with nothings, so I'm assuming I did in fact write it. If not, that's embarrassing, haha. I've edited a bit of it, so I guess I'm still creatively writing ;)

"I looked into her eyes - eyes that told stories of things I had yet to discover, and maybe never would. They were deep with wisdom, deeper with sympathy, and deeper still in those blue eyes was a plea to me - a plea to let go of my demons. And in those eyes I wanted to find a reason to let go of my past, to forget the demons that now haunted me. I wanted so badly to do what she wanted, but the power, the lust, of the demons was unconquerable. 

I had been faced with everything - death of myself, as well as friends and family, jail, homelessness, and, most of all, heartbreak. Often heartbreak. No one would stay with someone who undoubtedly had a love much greater than the one that existed for them. They knew they were not my real significant other. Those highs were what I lived for. The love of substances far greater, far more powerful, than my love for another human being ever could be. Somehow I had convinced myself that all I needed in my life were the highs, that it would never hurt anyone besides me. I was dead wrong, but I couldn't see it then. Perhaps I never really would."

52 Days

I attempted NaNoWriMo last year. The keyword in that sentence is "attempted". I think my final word count was just over 3,000, having given up just about 2 or 3 days into the challenge. Of course I had plenty of excuses - a job, finals, sophomore year of college, etc., but, if I was being honest, I was just lazy and when I lost the enthusiasm of the first few days, I just didn't care enough to put the effort in that it would take to reach 50,000 words. Maybe giving up was for the best, though, since no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to remember what I was writing about last year. It must not have been that important to me. Either way, the idea I have this year has been bouncing around my head since about April. I didn't write the idea down and I haven't even really talked about it until now because I didn't think I would do anything about it. I'm not really a writer. I used to be. Up until I was 16 or 17, I wrote all the time - poems, songs, stories, everything. I have notebooks upon notebooks filled with stories I wrote when I was 8, songs I wrote when I was 10, and poems depicting every overly-dramatic moment of my teenage years. At some point when I was about 17, I started taking anti-depressants. They got rid of my depression, but they also took away every other emotion, and my emotions were my source of inspiration for writing. I can almost pinpoint the exact moment I stopped writing. So for the past almost 4 years I haven't written more than maybe 5 poems, no songs, and no stories. I think my problem is, whenever I have an idea for anything, I start writing and as soon as one thing isn't portrayed as well in writing as it is in my head, I give up. I think I have to realize that it's not always going to be the same in my head as it will be on paper, but that doesn't mean I should stop. I shouldn't let my fear of writing something bad stop me from writing. I can't get any better if I don't practice. 

"Never let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game."

So here's to playing the game.