I decided that since it's September 11th (although, as I type this, it's actually 14 minutes into September 12th), I should specifically aim today's post towards the subject of that day. The list told me that whatever I wrote today needed to be about my favorite food, and while I could write some little short story about someone eating pizza and being affected by the attacks, I think I'll just stick to writing something a little more personal that doesn't actually involve pizza (maybe I'll save that for another day). I was, however, inspired by a tweet sent out today by ShayCarl that said "Say right now the things you would have said to your loved ones if you were on one of those flights 10 years ago today." Now, I can't imagine making that last call home, to a significant other, to a child, but I thought it would be a little theraputic to at least try to write what I would want to say to everyone I know and love if I knew it was the last thing they'd hear for me. In order to also stay on the 30 day challenge while doing this, I'll be crossing Day 28 off the list. That day is "A suicide note" and while this isn't exactly a suicide note, as no one but the hijackers on those planes died because they set out to do so, it is still pretty similar, as it will be what I would write to these people if it was the last correspondence I would have before my death. Does that make sense? Good, let's get started.
First of all, before I even get into writing the letter/s, I want to talk about the day itself and my personal experience with it. I know, we've all heard everyone's story a million times, but sometimes you just need to say it again. I think one of the first things I should say is that I have never felt all too emotionally connected with the September 11th attacks. I don't know if maybe I just hadn't cognitively developed enough yet to understand it enough to be sad or scared. I definitely don't remember being either one of those things. In fact, I remember thinking "I live in the middle of nowhere so I'm safe", and I actually still have the mindset the majority of the time now, which is actually a pretty ignorant way to live. Anyway, the morning of September 11th, 2001, I had a doctor's appointment at 8:45 a.m. The office was fairly empty and my mom and I were the only ones in the waiting room. They had a TV in the corner that played health-related shows, but nothing else. I remember my mom started to get ansty, she wondered what was taking them so long, it wasn't like there was a line or anything. What we didn't know was that at 8:46, the first plane hit the first WTC. All of a sudden, two nurses burst through the waiting room door carrying a TV. They tried frantically to get it to work for about 5 minutes but didn't succeed. After telling my mom that a plane had crashed into one of the World Trade Centers, they took me back to a room. I was there for a check-up and not at all happy about it. My mom and the nurse kept talking about the the plane that had hit the tower and I didn't like it - I just wanted to get the appointment done and over with. I remember not understanding what the big deal was. In my ten-year-old brain, a tower was a cell-phone or radio tower, so when I pictured a plane hitting a tower, I pictures one of those tiny two-passenger planes hitting a cell phone tower. After the appointment we got in the car and, having recently become obsessed with country music, I immediately turned the radio to my favorite station. My mom said, "No, we need to listen to the news." I was so angry. I didn't understand what the big deal was. Just then the radio DJ came on and said that the second WTC had been hit by a plane. I can still remember my mom's gasp and she raised her hand to her mouth and whispered "Oh, my God". I almost laughed. Couldn't these planes see the towers. I mean, I had never driven a plane, but could it be that hard to see a radio tower? I don't remember what my mom said to me, if she even said anything at all. I do know that we drove the 15 minutes home while listening to the news, which I was still incredibly upset about. My mom dropped my off at school (to this day I still have no idea why she didn't choose to just take me home) and I went back to my classroom as if it was any other day. I walked into the classroom, sat down, and opened up the book we were reading. Not more than two minutes later the office came over the intercom in the room and asked to have me sent back to the office. Because I had just come from the doctor I thought "Oh, my God, they found something wrong with me" (not joking, that's actually what I thought), and then, on top of that, I felt embarrassed. I was a painfully shy child and when I stood up in class, I knew every pair of eyes was on me. When I got down to the office, I saw that my little brother and sister had also been called down. We were told that our dads were here to pick us up and we were going home. While I was excited to be getting out of school, I didn't understand why. On the way home my dad tried to explain what had happened to us. At this point, it was probably about 9:30. I know I didn't understand him and I still pictured the radio towers and small planes. When we arrived home just before 10 am, my dads took us downstairs and sat us in front of the TV, having already turned on CNN. We didn't want to watch the news, but dads insisted. They said, "This will be important someday. This is big. It's going to change the world." (They also later did this at the start of the Iraq war, waking us up in the middle of the night to watch the first bombs drop). I remember having the sudden realization that these "towers" were not actually radio towers, but were, in fact, building - huge buildings, bigger than any building I'd ever seen. Still, though, the reality didn't set in. Again, my 10-year-old brain just couldn't comprehend death in that magnitude. I didn't understand that someone didn't like us, that that was why this was happening. I don't think I really connected the dots for many years later. Just a few minutes after I had my realization, the first tower began to crumble. I don't remember my feelings about this, in fact, I'm pretty sure I had very few feelings about it. My dads had us watch the news for the rest of the day. Some people might say that was a bad decision, that they should have shielded us from the horrors of the screen, but to this day, I am so thankful that they made me watch it. It really did change the world. My lack of emotion regarding September 11th actually remained until this year. Before this year, I had never shed a tear regarding that day, never really felt sad or scared, either. I always felt incredibly guilty about it. I knew I should feel something, but I just didn't. I have a theory that it was because it happened before I had the ability to understand it and by the time I could understand it, I had seen it so many times that it was like watching a movie, but maybe that's just me making excuses for myself. During a trip to Gettysburg, Pennsylvania in 2004 with my family, we literally stumbled across the crash sight of Flight 93, and in 2003, I made the trip to Washington, D.C., but even then, I felt no emotion. Either way, though, that all changed this year. And I don't know if it was all the years of having no emotion or what, but this year I literally could not stop being emotional. Every time I saw something on the news, I would tear up. I couldn't watch any of the specials without crying. And on the way home today, they played a song in memory of the people who died that day and I just started crying like crazy. And then I was doing one of those laugh-cry things where you're laughing at yourself while you're crying because you don't really know why you're crying. Maybe it's because I understand death a little more, because I am getting better at putting myself in other people's shoes, or maybe it's because my little brother finished Fire Academy a couple months ago and is now a professional fireman. Maybe it's all of those things rolled into one, but I mostly think it's just because I'm growing up.
I honestly don't expect anyone to read that entire story, but that's awesome if someone did. Anyway, on to what this post is REALLY supposed to be about - what I would write to my friends and family if I was on one of those flights that day and I knew I was going to die (and someone had a way to get a letter to them, lol). I am going to try to make it a bit creative, maybe add in a bit of a story-line. We'll see. :
Day 3
To my parents: We had our fair share of disagreements and full-blown arguments, but I wouldn't trade any of you - Mom, Dad, J.R. - for any other parents in the world. You loved me from the very first day and I know you will continue loving me until the day you die. You love me despite my flaws. You know me better than I probably even know myself. You were always there to catch me when I fell. Please don't think that just because those moments went unrecognized they were unnoticed - they were not. Dad, I always kept that little bottle cap pin you gave me when I got my heartbroken - the one that came with the card that said sometimes life is like pop and we get fizz up our nose. Remember that when I'm gone. It might feel like you got some fizz up your nose, but it'll get better, and you still have a full bottle of pop to drink :) Mom, don't think I didn't notice all the sacrifices you made to make sure we had what we needed. Don't think I didn't notice all the effort you put into dinners and cleaning the house and taking care of so many kids. J.R., you were always like a father to me. I know that I didn't tell you very often how I felt about you, but always know that I loved you.
To my siblings: Joe, I'm so proud of what you have accomplished. You've wanted to be a firefighter since you were a little boy, and now you are one! Never give up on your dreams and keep pushing yourself to do better things. I love you! Hayley, you've grown into such an amazing young woman. You're so determined and motivated - things I've always been jealous of. I hope you keep those traits with you you're whole life. I also hope that someday soon you'll get the courage to do what you it is you know you need to do. People will get over it and realize there are much worse things. Michael, I've missed you so much over the last 7 years that you haven't been around, but I never stopped loving you. I will always be your butthead. I'm sorry that I never got to meet Addison and Michael JR, but they are beautiful children and they have a wonderful daddy! Mya, I always wanted a big sister and I couldn't be more proud to call you mine now. Please tell Maddy and Johnny that their Aunt Brenna loved them more than they will ever know! Justin and Tiffany, you both have grown so much since we were younger and I am so proud of where you're heading. Keep going and never stop. I love you! The rest of my siblings, I wish we had all been closer, but I guess that's all we have left now, isn't it? Just wishes and could've-beens. Know that I always counted all of you as siblings and I always will.
To my grandparents: Grandma, you were my best friend and greatest ally throughout the majority of my life. Thanks for listening when no one else would. Thanks for believing me when no one else did. Thanks for standing by me through thick and thin, and for standing beside me during the toughest of times. Kno that I heard every story, remembered every recipe, and cherished every gift. Love you with all my heart. Grandpa, please know that I was always grateful for every single penny you gave me and know that I knew that I didn't deserve any of it. Some of my favorite memories are fishing on the lack with you, or riding on the boat with you and grandma. My favorite smell in the whole world to this day is still the smell of your house on Austin. It was my favorite place in the whole world and it was like a palace to me as a little girl. Thank you for everything you taught me. Barb, you're just like a grandma to me and I'm so glad my grandpa found you. He couldn't have found anyone better!
To my aunts, uncles, and cousins: I love you all so much. Family get-togethers were some of my favorite times. I know you're supposed to hate getting together with your family, but there's honestly nothing I would rather do.
To Devyn: How do you even say goodbye? I want to thank you for the person I became and the huge impact you had on who I am. You are literally my best friend and the only person on this planet I feel truly and completely knows me. You know every part of me, inside and out. We've said and done incredibly hurtful things to each other, and, while I can't speak for you, I know that for me, in the end, I don't remember those things. Instead, I remember all the good times. I know that I talk a lot of the time about the anger inside of me, but know that I won't die with it. I guess a lot of things come into perspective when you know you won't wake up tomorrow. You loved me despite what I look like, despite my emotional rollercoasters, despite my manic states, despite everything. Know that no matter how much I hate my body and myself sometimes, I felt worthy and beautiful for at least one minute of my life because of you. I love you.
To Ariel: I'm sad that we won't end as friends, but know that I always counted you as a friend. You know me so well and although we grew apart in the later years, know that you'll always be PC to me. Love, NC.
To Kristen: I will never forget the time you stayed up all night with me. You are literally the reason I'm alive right now. This is the moment I'm truly supposed to die, not in my bedroom that night. So thank you. <3
To Lauren, A & C (and the rest of Central friends): Thank you so much for making my two years there the very best two years a girl could ask for. How much money did we spend on food? Go eat some Hungry Howies and Pocky for me :) Love you.
To internet friends: Whoever says you can't find friends over the Internet never met you guys. Noxy, Sam, Emily, Sue, Christina, FAYAF, FABP, and I'm sure I'm missing a million more people...there are just so many. You all know me better than anybody IRL and you still talk to me....for some reason. Haha. DFTBA.
To the rest of my friends and family: Know I would love to say goodbye to each one of you personally and thank you for the impact you had upon my life, but it would take me much longer than I have right now, but know that each one of you were important to my life in some way and I love you all.
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