Falling In Love With Yourself

I was just about to walk out the door to go do some grocery shopping while I was thinking about this, and I just felt like I had to put it in writing. So here you go.


Don't get me wrong, falling in love with someone is great. But falling in love with yourself is the single greatest thing you will ever do. Fall in love with what you can do, fall in love with your dreams, fall in love with the fact that you sometimes make weird faces without noticing, fall in love with the fact that no matter what you do your hair will always fall flat and straight and a little bit frizzy, fall in love with the reality of who you are.

I have always hated myself. I've always hated the way I look, the way my voice sounds, the way I can't form a coherent sentence without stuttering at least 2/3 of it. Work towards changing what you don't like, but accept that some things can't be changed and move on to fighting bigger and better battles. You have a set amount of time each day, and every second that you don't spend hating something (whether that be someone else, yourself, or something around you), you have the opportunity to spend that second loving something instead.

The last 6 months or so of my life I have spent in a genuine state of happiness, something I didn't think I'd ever know the feeling of after suffering through depression since I was about 12 years old. I have bad days (hell, I've had about 4 of them in the last week), but I can still feel happy at my core. There are things around me that make me sad, but they just feel like little spots of sadness as opposed to one giant overwhelming cloud of sadness. I read somewhere a quote from the author of the book "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff" and it said something like "Ask yourself this question: Will this matter a year from now?" I've found that 95% of the time, it won't. It won't matter that you got a stain on that brand new shirt, it won't matter that someone accidentally unplugged the freezer and ruined all the food you just bought, it won't matter that you didn't get the best grade on that paper, and it won't matter that your coworker is occasionally your least favorite person on the planet, it just won't matter.

Love yourself. That's a dare.

"You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection."  – Buddha

"Love yourself first and everything else falls into line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world." - Lucille Ball 

"To love oneself is the beginning of a life-long romance." - Oscar Wilde 

July Favorites

This is actually more of a summer favorites list since I didn't make one for a couple months. I think this might be my favorite group of favorites, though. I genuinely just LOVE all of the products I'm about to list. I mean, I always love them, but I REALLY love them this time. I will link each item.

1. Organix Moroccan Argan Oil Weightless Healing Dry Oil - I have been told over and over again that I should try oil for my hair, but I'd avoided it for multiple reasons. One reason is that I was worried it would weigh my hair down too much since my hair is so fine. I was not entirely wrong about this, but I've chosen to spray my hair with it before going to bed and letting it sit over night, and then washing it out in the morning. By doing this I get the benefits of the healing and shine, but I don't have to worry about the extra weight on my hair. I also avoided hair oil because it can be quite pricey. This bottle, though, only cost $7.99 and will easily last me 6 months or more. My hair has never felt or looked this good. I can't believe I went all this time without using it!
2. Benefit's Watt's Up Highlighter - I don't own many high-end makeup products. I usually find that the cheaper items work just as well as the over-priced ones. That being said, it's really freaking hard to find a good drugstore highlighter (in my opinion, at least. If you know of one, let me know). I saw this product first in a video from Tanya Burr, and immediately wanted it. I have a really dry face, so I'm constantly looking for ways to make it look moisturized (other than, you know, using moisturizer a ridiculous amount of times each day). I've found that highlighter is the best way to do that, and also helps give your face a nice shape. Now that I've been losing weight, my face has a little more shape to it other than just round, so it's nice to be able to play around with that and add highlighting and contouring. This highlighter is so easy to use and I know it's going to last me forever, which is one of the reasons I convinced myself it was okay to spend $30 on it. Highly, highly recommend this product if you're looking for a highlighter.
3. Maybelline Baby Lips Lip Balm - If you've talked to me for more than 3 minutes in the last 2 months, I'm sure I've told you about how much I freaking LOVE this product. I had seen a lot of people talking about it, but sort of just rolled my eyes at it, assuming it was just another chapstick. I'm sort of a lip product hoarder, though, so I could only resist it for so long. I figured if it was just another chapstick then, hey, at least I'd have another chapstick. Nope. I was wrong. And more than happy to admit that. I originally just bought the Quenched one, which is clear and has a flavor of lemon and vanilla. The flavor isn't super strong, but it does taste good. I mostly just like the way it makes my lips look. It's very shiny and almost makes you look like you're wearing a nude lip gloss. I then went out and bought the Peach Kiss one, although I originally went out to get the Cherry Me, but it's sort of a you get what you get situation because they're always sold out everywhere I go. Stores will often have a couple left of a few of the shades, but never all of them. It took me multiple trips to 4 different stores to finally find all the shades, but I absolutely love them all! 
4. Jane Iredale Super Shape Me Eyebrow Kit - Let me first state that this stuff is ridiculously expensive, and I'm 99.9% sure you can get something just as fantastic for much cheaper. It was given to me as a gift, and I would never have bought it myself. That being said, this stuff is freaking fantastic. I have fairly full eyebrows so I never really gave much thought to filling in my eyebrows until I got this kit. Now I hardly go a day without it. If you're willing to pay this kind of money, I would say spend it on this.
5. Benefit's Refined Finish Facial Polish - I'm perfectly fine with my skincare routine, and more than happy with my Aveeno products that are under $10, so I don't often try new skincare products, and I definitely don't try high-end skincare products often. BUT. I got a free sample of this when I bought the Watt's Up highlighter, and decided to give it a try. This stuff blew my freaking mind. My face has never felt so smooth or so soft before. If you're looking for a new exfoliator, try this stuff. Immediately.
6. Color Club Nail Polish in Blue-ming - I got this in my Birchbox and originally thought I wouldn't like it because I'm generally not a fan of blue or green nail polishes, but this has turned into my new favorite nail polish. It's hard to tell in the link just how bright the polish is, but the best way I can describe it is a perfect neon version of the Tiffany's & Co. blue color. It's absolutely beautiful.

That's all for now. It's only 6 days into August and I'm pretty sure I could already write an August Favorites post. I guess we'll have to wait a few more weeks ;)

Summer Bucket List

I actually made this list when school let out just about a month ago, but didn't upload it until now because, as I said in my "Fifty Pounds" post, I didn't want to discuss my weight loss until I reached the 50 pounds lost mark. Because this bucket list mentioned that, I decided to wait to post it. Now that I've reached that goal, here it is! As I was studying for my finals, I kept thinking about all the fun and awesome things I wanted to do this summer, and decided I would write them down so I wouldn't forget. I've never really done a bucket list or anything like it, but why not start now?

You probably can't read that, but the list is:

1. Clean Room 

(and I don't mean just pick up, I mean cleaned from top to bottom, everything organized and in a proper place. I've been living at home now for over a year, and I don't think my room has ever been totally "clean".)

2. Hike Mt. Baldy

(this isn't actually a mountain, it's a huge sand dune. I haven't climbed it since I was little. There are nearly 300 stairs to the top, but the view over Lake Michigan is incredible.)

3. Organize Make-up Collection

(my make-up collection grows by the week and right now it's just piled in a huge basket. I keep the things I use most often in a make-up bag, but it's annoying to have to dig through a giant basket every time I want to do something new.)

4. Write 10 Blog Posts

(this blog post will be my 5th, so we're halfway there! Summer break started for me on April 25th.)

5. Jewelry Board

(I have had a pegbard that I've been meaning to make into a jewelry board for over a year now. Time to finish that up.)

6. Lose 30 More Pounds

(I have lost 18 pounds since writing this, so I'm more than halfway there!)

7. Go to the Beach at Least Five Times

(so far I'm at zero, but my dad just bought another house near the beach, so hopefully that will change!)

8. Go Kayaking

(I really like kayaking, but haven't gone in a couple years. Time to go!)

9. Visit a Friend

(I went and saw Sam last weekend!)

10. Get Some Sunshine

(I have a tendency to sit in my room and avoid the outdoors at all costs. Let's try not to do that this summer.)

11. Plant Vegetables/Fruits/Herbs

(I think it might be getting a bit late for this, so I better get on it.)

12. Go Berry Picking

(There's nothing better than fresh berries! And it's way cheaper to pick your own.)

13. Favorite Place

(This is my favorite place and I don't go there nearly enough. Luckily, this is where my dad just bought his new house, so I suppose that will be checked off soon.)

14. Visit Grandma & Grandpa

(They've been traveling and away all fall/winter, so I've missed them!)

15. See the Pacific Ocean

(Ideally I would like to also touch it, but that doesn't look like it will happen. All I care is that I can see it, even if it's thousands of feet in the air from an airplane window.)

16. Go to Chicago for the Day

(I really love visiting Chicago/shopping in Chicago, and it's only a couple hour train ride away. Not sure why I don't go more often. I also want to see the Chicago location of the store I work for.)

17. Get a Massage

(I used to get massages a lot because my grandma was a massage therapist, but I haven't had one in years. Standing up for hours every day can really take its toll on your body. I think I'mm due for a massage.)

18. Take Madison and John's pictures

(my niece and nephew love when I take pictures of them, so I promised I would do it again soon.)

19. Go to the Farmer's Market

(The perfect place to get cheap, healthy, locally grown food. Why do they have to be so early in the morning though? Haha)

20. Go to the zoo

(who doesn't like the zoo?)

June Birchbox

Haven't done one of these posts in awhile. I'm usually too excited to start using the products I get that I never remember to take a picture or make notes of what I thought when I first tried to products. This month, however, I decided that I was so excited that I wanted to share it. I knew the theme this month was going to be Jetsetter, which is perfect since I am traveling to California at the end of the month. In this Birchbox I got:

• Juliette Has a Gun Not a Perfume scent
• Melvita Rose Floral Water
• Stila Stay All Day 10-in-1 HD Beauty Balm (BB cream)
• theBalm Cosmetics Stainiac in Beauty Queen
• Modcloth headband

I don't think I could have picked a better box if I wanted to. I had seen the sneak preview to some of the products they were sending out this month (they were sampling over 40!) on their YouTube channel, so I had an idea of what I wanted. I knew I really wanted the rose water, which is just a spray that you mist on your face for extra moisture, which is perfect for someone like me who has dry skin. 

What I Thought

Not a Perfume - Despite its name, it actually is a perfume, but what makes it different is that there is only one note in it. It's just an amber scent and nothing more. I know that sounds boring, but, nooooo, it's incredible. I'm already a huge fan of any scent with amber notes, so when that's all there is, I'm in heaven. I put it on this morning when I got the box in the mail and now, at 5 pm, it's still smells just as nice as this morning. It is pretty pricey, though. It's about $85 for 50 ml of it (1.69 oz).

Rose Floral Water - Like I said, this was what I was most excited about, and it did not disappoint. It reminds me of Urban Decay's setting sprays (which I use every day), but this just moisturizes and does not help set your makeup. It smells really nice and fresh, and I'm sure will be perfect to help with the dry air on the plane. $22 for a 6.8 oz bottle, which you can also get in orange blossom or lavender as well as the rose. 

All Day 10-in-1 HD BB cream - I actually just hopped on the BB cream bandwagon a few days ago when I picked up the Garnier BB cream. I wasn't sure how I was going to like BB creams because I'm not typically a huge fan of tinted moisturizers, but they're pretty much nothing like a tinted moisturizer. Or, rather, they're everything a tinted moisturizer should be, but never is. I may or may not do a review of the Garnier one when I've tried it out a bit more. This Stila one is pretty great, but I would still stick with the Garnier one. Stila does not give as much coverage, but it's a lot more refreshing and cooling on the skin. I think the Stila one may be better for a day at the beach or something similar, while the Garnier one might be great for just everyday wear. For the price, though, I'd just stick with the Garnier BB cream ($11 for 75 ml), because the Stila BB cream is $38 for 45 ml. It also does not offer an SPF, whereas the Garnier one offers SPF 15. 

Lip/Cheek Stain - I really like stains, because I think they give you a more natural look, plus you can build them up to the point you want or leave them at a more natural look. This one is great, has a really nice natural lip and cheek color to it, and has no taste. The other great part about stains is that they'll last you forever because it only takes a tiny bit. This is $17 for .3 oz and comes in this red color that I got, plus a light pink color, or a brown/nude color. 

Modcloth headband - Other than the pattern, which I am not a fan of (it's red with white polka dots), I really, really like this headband. This is the one I received, and, although I'm not a fan of the bright color, I think I may look into buying one just like it but in a more toned down color or pattern. The wires in it help it stay in place and makes it easy to mold. Plus, a free $14 headband? I'll take it. Especially when I only pay $10 for the whole damn box! 

If you want to sign up for Birchbox (and I highly recommend it!), click here. Not only does it only cost $10 a month (and you always get at least that much worth of stuff, and usually more), but you also earn 10 points per product that you review (usually there are 4-5 products to review each month from your box), and after 100 points you get $10 off an order. So basically every other month is paying for itself! 

Healthy Grocery Shopping Tips!

One thing you should know about me is that I love grocery shopping. I loved it when I wasn't particularly eating healthy, but I enjoy it even more now. In my opinion, the grocery store is where health begins. I promise you that once you start focusing on and taking care of yourself, you will be so much happier. It truly affects every aspect of your life. Just stick with it, even though it gets hard sometimes, and I promise you will start to see things change. They might change slowly, but they will change. While grocery shopping this past weekend, I made little notes as I went through the store and took pictures to give you examples of the things I buy. It's important to note that everything that works for me may not work for you. You have to experiment and find what you enjoy. The biggest key in being successful is to make it feel like you're not losing anything. So many "diets" fail because people feel like they can't have the things they want. Remember that you can have anything you want, so long as it's in moderation. Once you figure out that it's all about balance (not starving yourself, or eating only green things, or avoiding chocolate at all costs), you're golden. 

• When I go to the grocery store I always start in the fresh produce section. You're more likely to fill up your cart with these goodies if you're not already thinking "Well, crap, I already have $80 in groceries, I can't really afford all these veggies!". 

• Look for new things. When I go shopping, I always make sure I walk out with one new thing. I try to keep it within the fresh fruits and veggies, but sometimes I pick up something else. Never tried pomegranates? Pick one up! What about those weird shaped fruits they sometimes have? Get one! Fruits and veggies often don't go over $1/each, so it's not too expensive to do this. It will open your mind to new things and find things you might never have tried otherwise. Veggies are a little harder, but if you pick something up you've never tried and don't want to eat it plain, look on the internet for a healthy recipe that includes the ingredient you picked up. Other than that, any fruits and veggies are good. Pick what you like. Don’t get something just because you feel like you “should”. I personally just don’t like apples that much. Yes, they’re healthy, but I know I won’t eat them. There’s no reason to waste good food or good money if you know you don’t really want it. Don’t force yourself to eat something you don’t like. There's really no going wrong in this area though. Peppers are fantastic for flavor, cucumbers are great for dipping in hummus and are seriously low in calories, watermelon is great for a sweet tooth, bananas are awesome with some natural peanut butter or as a substitute for sweetener in oatmeal, and strawberries are the perfect snack.
• Keep an eye out for deals, especially on fresh produce. When it comes to deals in the other areas in the store, unfortunately it's not often on healthy food. I know 2 boxes of Cheez-Its for $5 is a fantastic deal, but try to resist. For example, I love to stock up on blackberries when my local store has them on sale for 5/$5. If you have the money to do so, you can also stock up when there are deals like this and then freeze the fruit. 

• The second area I hit up is the dairy section. I have never met someone who loves cows milk quite as much as me, but I have almost completely cut it out of my life. It's not exactly bad for you, but there are alternatives that are much better for you. Try alternatives to cows milk. Coconut, almond, and soy are the usual options. I have tried all three and genuinely enjoy all of them, and I think they all have uses. I really enjoy coconut milk with my cereal, almond milk is perfect for oatmeal, and soy milk is great as a substitute in any recipe that calls for milk because the taste is the most similar. I usually have all three in my refrigerator, but experiment and see which one you like best. Soy milk, in my opinion, is the best place to start. Aim for the unsweetened. 
• Let me tell you about my favorite thing in the ENTIRE WORLD. Yes, I said it. The entire world. It's Chobani's Plain Non-Fat Greek Yogurt. Forget I said the word yogurt though. It tastes nothing like the yogurt you've probably been eating your entire life. I personally think it tastes like sour cream, although I've heard people say they don't get that at all. I use it for so many things. I use it as a substitute for mayo on a sandwich, as a substitute for sour cream on tacos, as a dip for veggies or chicken, etc. In fact, there's a whole conversion chart just for this product. I'll include it below. It can be used for so many things, packs a ton of protein, and has minimal calories. Also try other Greek yogurts by Chobani (or whatever brand your store carries). Super great for pre- or post-workout snacks or breakfasts. They're much more filling than regular yogurts and taste just as great. They are, however, a bit more expensive.
• Stay away from canned foods. The only time I would say to pick up something that’s canned is if it’s beans, and then only if it says “no salt added”. My store only carries one brand that has beans with no salt added and it’s a bit pricey. I usually keep one can of kidney beans, one can of black beans, and one can of garbanzo beans in my cupboard so they’re ready to go if I’m in the mood for beans (they’re packed with tons of protein and a great alternative to meat). I also keep bags of dried beans because they’re much cheaper. Dried beans, however, take a little more planning ahead because you need to soak them first.
• Always read the ingredients. If you see “high fructose corn syrup”, “partially-hydrogenated oil”, “hydrogenated oil, or “nitrates” in the ingredient list put the product down and find an alternative. You will be shocked by the amount of food products that contain these things.
• Don’t be fooled by packaging. “All Natural” ≠ organic, “Multi-grain” ≠ whole grain, “Organic” ≠ healthy. 
• Everything you buy that is made with grains should be whole grain. Don’t take the packaging’s word for it. Make sure you check the ingredient list. The very first ingredient should have the word “whole” in it. If it doesn’t, find something else. Multi-grain is really irrelevant and doesn’t matter. It doesn’t particularly matter how many grains something has, so long as they’re whole grains.
• Stay away from granola bars. I know, I know, they sound healthy, but they’re not. They’re often loaded with sugars and are basically candy bars with some granola added in. Granola alone can be good for you, but I don’t recommend buying it. If you’re anything like me, once you have a little bit, you want more. Granola is packed with calories and the serving size is very tiny. It will only leave you wanting more and that’s just annoying. 
• Oatmeal oatmeal oatmeal! I used to hate oatmeal, and now I have it almost every single day. You can do so many things with it, it’s super filling, and super great for you. There is no significant difference between quick oats and old fashioned. Old fashioned is a little less processed, but it’s so minimal that it’s pretty insignificant. Avoid the pre-packaged oatmeals at all costs. They’re packed with sugars, calories, food coloring, and artificial flavoring. 
• In general, avoid anything that is marked “low fat”, “fat free”, “reduced fat”, or “diet”. Unless the product is naturally low fat or fat free, these words are usually signs that chemicals have been added in to make up for what was taken out. You’re usually better off getting the regular product or avoiding the product all-together. I personally make an exception for this on things like non-fat Greek yogurt, reduced fat shredded cheese, and low fat cottage cheese. Some things are better than others, just make sure you’re checking the ingredient list.
• Stay away from pop/soda. Just don’t even go there. There is no such thing as a healthy pop. Diet pops are loaded with cancer-causing chemicals and regular pops are loaded with sugar (which your body turns to fat when you are unable to digest all of it and also just wrecks havoc on your body in general). If you must have a carbonated drink in your life, try flavored carbonated water.
• Be picky about the bread you choose. The bread should be whole grain, contain at least 5 g of fiber per slice, and be 100 calories or lower per slice. One of my favorites is Brownberry Health-full 10 Grain Bread. Again, make sure the word “whole” is in the very first ingredient. 
• Nuts! Almonds or pistachios are great. They’re packed with healthy fats (yes, there is such a thing!) and are super filling. Watch your serving size, though, as the calories can add up fast. My pick is pistachios because you have to actually work for them which prevents you from eating more and also because the serving size is a bit larger.
• I genuinely love red meat. I will pick a steak or a hamburger over any white meat any time, any day. That being said, red meat truly is not that good for you. Pick white meat instead. White meat is things like turkey, chicken, and fish. I love to get extra lean ground turkey. It’s perfect for spaghetti sauce, tacos, or turkey burgers. It also doesn’t have a large flavor so you can flavor it to your liking. For fish I recommend tilapia. It’s low in calories and also doesn’t have much of a flavor. You can truly do so much with it. I think you’ll like it, even if you don’t like fish. Another tip: If you buy packages of fresh chicken, turkey, or fish, separate them into individual serving sizes when you get home and then put them in the freezer. They’ll last much longer and you won’t have to thaw the entire package when you want some. 
• Frozen foods are the way to go. Frozen chicken is one of the best things in the world. Most grocery stores offer large bags of frozen chicken breasts for around $10 a bag. I recommend going for the chicken breasts that are already cut into tenderloins because it is much closer to a serving size. The whole chicken breasts can often be 2-3 servings in one. Defrost the chicken in the microwave for about 3 minutes and you’re ready to go (if you don’t have a defrost button, do 50% power). Frozen fish, turkey, fruits, and veggies are also fantastic. I buy the majority of my fruits and veggies frozen. Make sure you look to see that they were flash frozen so you’re getting as many nutrients as possible. Also make sure the only things in the ingredients are the fruit or veggie and water. Occasionally with meat, you’ll see a solution, just make sure it’s not added salt. 
• Check the per-ounce price! If your grocery store is like mine, next to the price on the shelf, it will have a per-ounce price. This makes it easy to see which product is giving you a better deal. If it doesn’t have the per-ounce price listed you can find it out by taking the price of each item and dividing it by the number of ounces.

Some items I recommend picking up:

• Spinach (excellent replacer of lettuce in your life. Almost the exact same taste and texture, with tons more nutrients. Has almost 0 calories.)
• Cucumbers (cucumbers with hummus is one of my favorite snacks. They’re also great to add to sandwiches or wraps)
• Strawberries
• Tomatoes (any kind that you like)
• Sweet potatoes (seriously, if you don’t have these in your house, you need them ASAP. Loaded with nutrients and super delicious with a little honey.)
• Bananas (doesn’t everyone love bananas? They’re perfect for everything.)
• Lemon juice (so many uses and super cheap!)
• Low fat cottage cheese
• Non-fat plain and flavored Greek yogurt
• Reduced fat shredded cheese
• Natural peanut butter (I recommend Krema Smooth & Creamy. Ideally you want the only ingredient in your PB to be peanuts.)
• Whole wheat wraps (lower the calories, the better)
• Whole wheat English muffins
• Whole wheat spaghetti 
• Oatmeal
• Simple spaghetti sauce (Keep it simple. You should be able to recognize ALL the ingredients, and I don’t mean recognize them from science class.)
• Beans! (Specifically: Black, kidney, and garbanzo/chickpeas)
• Whole grain bread
• 99/1 Extra Lean ground turkey
• Chicken breasts (Ideally tenderloins and frozen)
• Hummus 
• Eggs (whatever your preference is fine)
• Frozen blueberries/strawberries/mangoes/whatever floats your boat
• Frozen broccoli/edamame/peas/also whatever floats your boat

I’m sure I’m forgetting quite a few things, but I’m trying to remember them quickly. I’m also sure I forgot a ton of tips that I’ll think of later, but that’s okay. This will at least give you an idea. I have a few other tip posts ideas I think I will post in the next few weeks or so. It’s important to note that I am nowhere near a professional, I just enjoy learning about these things and getting healthier for myself as well as sharing it with other people. I hope some of these tips help some of you. Also remember that the number of calories in a food does NOT determine how healthy it is for you. It is NOT all about calories, but about being good to your body. Counting calories can be helpful, but don’t let it take over your life. Diets don’t work, lifestyle changes do. 

Fifty Pounds.

About 5 and a half months ago I told myself that I was not allowed to write this blog post until I reached a very large goal I set for myself. There have been so many days in those 5 and a half months where I was so discouraged that I thought I'd never get to write these words. Those days, however, were greatly outnumbered by the days where I was so determined, nothing could stop me. Because of those days I get to say I lost 50 pounds. I am writing this only minutes after having gotten on the scale to find this out and am still in a bit of denial. In the last 4 years or so, I had basically just resigned myself to being fat for the rest of my life. When I went away to college, I gained A LOT of weight. Most gained the Freshman Fifteen. Let's just say I gained a lot more than that. From ages 17-20, I don't think I even stepped one foot near a scale, so I have no idea what I was at. I do know that my senior prom dress is now too big, though. That's about my only point of reference for that. Even though I have lost 50 pounds, I still have quite awhile to go before I am at a healthy weight. It's incredibly embarrassing to say that I even let myself get to a weight where losing this much is a possibility, but it's also incredibly exciting to be able to say that I've accomplished this. I have never been at a point in my life where I love myself and my body this much. The respect you start to have for your body when it takes hell from you and starts improving and doing things you never thought possible is incredible.

I chose to keep quiet about this from the beginning and only tell basically one friend and then family members because, honestly, I was too afraid of failure. I was afraid that once I told everyone I would fail and then I'd be stuck looking like an idiot. That's why I made this deal to myself. When I first started I said "You can tell the whole wide world if you want to, but you have to lost 50 pounds first." This never seemed like a possibility. I did not believe in myself at all. But all it took was for one person to believe in me and to start seeing changes, and suddenly I believed in me too. The support I have gotten from my family has been out of this world, and I realize I am incredibly fortunate to have that support system. 

When people find out or see that I've lost weight (like co-workers or extended family members), without fail the very first thing they ask will be "So what are you doing? What diet are you following?" Let me let you in on a secret: There is no secret to weight loss. All you do is eat right (fruits, vegetables, whole, fresh, or raw foods) and get active. That's it. And, yes, have some chocolate and wine too ;)

I am so proud of myself and honestly feel like the only way I can go now is up (except where the scale is concerned, lol). Every day it starts over and not every day is easy. So many days I wake up and say "Ugh, I don't want to pay attention to everything I put in my mouth today" or "Ugh, I don't want to go to the gym today". But you know what? I do it anyway. And I'm so glad I do, because I am so, so happy to be able to write this blog post today. I cried a profuse amount of tears after getting off the scale tonight. It's pretty easy to say that this is the largest accomplishment of my life thus far, and I am so, so happy. 

Below I'm going to include a few pictures. It is taking a lot of confidence to post these pictures and I am incredibly nervous about it. I guess I like to feel like I live in this internet world where I control how the  internet people get to see me, and I tried my hardest to make sure they never knew how overweight I was. Yet, here I am in all my glory. 

On the left is me at what was probably my heaviest, on the right is me about 2 minutes ago.

This is the only before/during picture I have that doesn't involve me in my bra and panties (sorry, blog-type friends lol). On the left is me in January at my 21st birthday (just about the starting point of all of this) and on the right is me about 2 months and 20 pounds ago. I don't have a decent mirror to do a during picture right this very moment, but just subtract 20 more pounds from the girl on the right and you have an idea :)

This is a more recent picture. Left: January 8, 2012, Right: June 1,  2012

April Favorites

I know, I know, I know. It's been awhile. My first semester back to college after taking 8 months off just sort of kicked my ass. But, here I am! With my April/the last 4 months Favorites!

• Tresemmé Split Remedy conditioner
• I actually just recently purchased this and am already so in love with it that I have to include it in this list. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror while at work the other day and my hair just look atrocious. I already have problems with my hair because it's so horribly fine. Seriously, if I put my hair in a pony tail, it's only about as thick as my pointer finger. I also have a problem with the ends looking horrible because over a year ago now I had a horrible hair dye mishap that resulted in the stripping and re-dyeing of my hair. The part of my hair is finally grown out enough to be towards the ends, which is great, but it makes my ends more easily damaged and also a slightly different shade than the rest of my hair which tends to make the ends look even more damaged than they are. I use hair protectants every day when blow drying, but it just doesn't always work and because of my super fine hair I am limited with the amount of product I can use on my hair. Anyway, I immediately noticed a difference the very first day I started using this conditioner. My hair was soft, my ends looked less damaged, and as an added bonus, it smelled incredible! I was previously using Aussie's Aussome Volume shampoo, which I love, but did nothing to take care of my hair. Super glad I made the switch. I think I will be switching to the Split Remedy shampoo as well when my Aussome Volume shampoo runs out. 
• fresh Sugar Rosé tinted lip treatment
• I received this as a sample in my March Birchbox and immediately fell head-over-heels in love. It's a really perfect your-lips-but-better red shade, is super moisturizing, and has an amazing smell and taste. I even splurged and spent the $23 to buy the full size product (it's worth it, I promise!). 
• Urban Decay All Nighter Long-Lasting Makeup Setting Spray
• I've been wanting to try this product for quite some time but wasn't sure about spending the $30 on the full-size bottle. I picked up the travel size at Ulta during one of their Urban Decay events and I love it! I've never really had a problem with my makeup staying because I don't have oily skin so my makeup doesn't move around or smudge, but I really like the spray as an extra layer of moisture and protection. 
• Urban Decay Eyeshadow Primer Potion in Sin
• I've always heard really great things about Urban Decay's primers, but never felt the need to try them out. Like I said, I don't have much of a problem with my makeup staying, but I wanted to give it a try. I particularly like this shade because it has some shimmer to it so it works as a brow highlight when you're wearing shadow, or you can wear it without shadow and it just evens out the skin tone on the eyelid and gives it a nice shimmer. I really, really like it and can't picture myself liking any primer more than this one!
• Urban Decay Naked Palette
• Apparently this is the Urban Decay month! This is partially because I had an Ulta Friends & Family 20% off coupon which is good for Urban Decay and you can't normally use coupons on Urban Decay. I wasn't about to use that 20% off on any old stuff! I bought the Naked 2 palette in February, but I don't believe I ever wrote about it on my blog (I'll do a review of it at some point). I heard a lot of people say that if you have one palette, you don't need the other, and I listened to that so I only bought the second one. I had never purchased the first one because when it came out I was in no financial position to spend that much money on a palette. The second one came at a time when I could finally afford something like that. I went with the second one because 1) I was told either one would work and 2) It was the newest one. Now that I own both I could not imagine not having both! It's true that they are very alike and both create neutral looks, but I think they are both fairly different neutral looks. I think the first palette is more suitable to the looks I normally go for. I'm especially a fan of Virgin (like, seriously obsessed with it. I even bought the single of it because I love it so much), and there isn't really a similar shade in the Naked 2 palette. The closest shades in the Naked 2 palette are Foxy and Bootycall, but Foxy is a pretty matte tan color and Bootycall is a fairly shimmery peach color. I like Virgin because it's a slightly shimmery champagne color which is exactly the kind of color I prefer for all over my lid. That being said, there isn't a shade in the Naked palette I really like for my crease. The Naked 2 palette, however, has a ton of colors I enjoy as crease colors: YDK, Verve, Suspect, Pistol, and Snakebite. Whether or not to get both of the palettes is completely up to you and I think entirely depends upon your particular taste in makeup for you face! 
• Bath & Body Works Coconut Water candle
• I picked this candle up during their 2/$20 candle sale a couple months ago and I love it! It's the perfect scent for Spring and Summer. It reminds me of tanning lotion, which I love the smell of. As soon as I light it, it's like I'm at the beach (just minus the awful things like heat and sand). I also picked up the Jungle Kiss candle, which is also quite lovely, although I picked it up moreso because the color matched my room than because of the scent ;) 
• Kérastase Elixir Ultime
• I was always a bit iffy about hair oil, but I really, really like this stuff. It gives a great scent to my hair, smoothes it out, and just makes it feel healthy. It is $54 though, so it is quite expensive. I think it's worth it, though. Particularly if you have frizzy hair.
• Jouer Luminizing Moisture Tint
• I've tried tinted moisturizers before but never had any luck. This one, however, might be the love of my life. It makes my skin look radiant, doesn't look like I'm wearing any makeup, and evens out my skin tone. 
• Dermalogica Daily Microexfoliant
• Because I have dry skin I have to exfoliate a lot. The problem is, a lot of exfoliators I find are also cleansers, which is not what I want because they are often too harsh for my skin or mess up my skin care routine because I won't be able to use them every day and when I switch between cleansers my skin tends to break out. This exfoliator, however, is JUST an exfoliator, so I am able to use whatever cleanser I want! I've noticed a huge difference using this and it's a super easy powder to work with! You just do a couple shakes into the palm of your hand, get it a little wet, and then mix it into a paste that you rub all over your face for about a minute or so. No drying out, only exfoliating. It's lovely!
• Aveeno Ultra-Calming Foaming Cleanser 
• Because I've been away from my blog for awhile, I don't think I ever mentioned the horrible skin problems I had for the majority of the first part of this year. I've never had any problems with my skin before, but suddenly I couldn't get a handle on it. I think one of the reasons was that I was using too harsh of cleansers. My skin isn't exactly sensitive, but it is dry, and because it doesn't really have many problems, a gentle cleanser works just fine. I finally tried this cleanser hoping it would clear things up and IT DID! It feels so nice to finally have my skin back again! Not to mention it's cheap and lasts a long time. 
• Aveeno Ultra-Calming Daily Moisturizer
• Along with skin problems, I also had a really hard time finding a moisturizer for me. Because I have such dry skin and because it was such a dry winter, my skin was so difficult to keep moisturized (another reason my skin went crazy, I'm sure). I tried a million different kinds and all of them still left my skin feeling dry afterwards. I tried outrageously expensive ones and cheap drugstore ones, but nothing seemed to work. When I started using the cleanser I decided to try the moisturizer as well. It's amazing. Although I still have to apply a few layers in the morning after my shower, I don't have to reapply throughout the day. It has a bit of an odd smell to it (too flowery for my tastes), but other than that, it's amazing. Hopefully I will still be able to use it throughout the summer once it gets humid out. My skin seems to be getting pickier with age, so who knows. 

Recipe: Easy, Low-Calorie Mini Pizzas With Homemade Sauce

If there is one thing I refuse to give up when trying to eat better, it's pizza. I just kind of threw these little guys together in a matter of about 5 or 10 minutes and then stuck them in the oven for about 10 minutes. So easy and so, so delicious. Oh, and did I mention low-calorie? Yup, it's that too. 175 calories per bagel slice or for an entire serving size (both sides of the bagel), it's about 350 calories. Makes 3 servings.

Ingredients 
3 medium tomatoes
4 tablespoons tomato paste
3 tablespoons extra virgin olive oil
2 cloves garlic, finely chopped
Crushed red pepper flakes
Italian seasoning
Dried oregano
Dried basil
Fresh cilantro
100% Whole Wheat Bagel Thins
3/4 cup Sargento Reduced Fat 4 Cheese Italian Blend

* In blender or food processor combine tomato paste, chopped tomatoes, garlic, olive oil, and fresh cilantro. Mix, but make sure it's still a bit chunky.

* Add in spices, mix, and taste. Repeat until you're satisfied.

* Spread sauce over bagel thins

* Top with cheese (1/4 cup is a serving size, so I suggest splitting that up between the 2 halves of the bagel)

* Put in oven at 375* for about 10 minutes or until cheese is slightly browned





Hope you enjoy! I know we did :)

***Note: if the sauce is still too thick while you're mixing it, add in a little water at a time***

Self-Injury Awareness Day (1 day late)

Yes, I know I'm one day late to this. I wrote this post a few days ago, but worked all day yesterday and completely lost track of time. So here it is. The point still stands. At any rate, every day should be self-injury awareness day because you should always be aware. This is an incredibly personal post and I debated for quite a while whether I wanted to share it, but I hope that by sharing my story I can help someone else.

As many of you know, March 1st is Self-Injury Awareness Day. My battle with self-injury is not a public one. The people closest to me know about it, and that’s how I like it. Though I was sent to therapy many years ago for cutting and the problem seemingly went away, I think it’s important to say that it doesn’t go away. Ever. Self-injury is, for some people, and for some reason, the way our body copes with stress/sadness/life in general. Though it has gotten much easier to manage over the years, it is still a definite struggle to find new and better ways to cope with things. No matter how far I go and how much I accomplish, the scars will always be on my body to remind me. 

I remember first having the thought of self-harm in the beginning of my 7th grade year. I don’t remember what caused it. When I looked down at my arm, I saw the hair tie I always wore around my wrist. I started snapping it. The area became red and inflamed, but I kept going. I had no idea why I was doing it, I just knew that I wanted to do it. Needed to do it. This soon progressed to actual cutting. I always hear people say that it was a way to let the emotions escape, like cutting a slit in your arm somehow let the sadness escape. I never felt that way. I never felt anything except a desire and need to do it. It made me feel better. For a few minutes, I was only thinking about that cut and that blood and nothing else. 

Growing up with my mom and step-dad meant constant fighting. I don’t remember a single day in that house when there weren’t screaming matches. I would go to my room, shut my door, and just cut. That was my escape. How else could I escape? The music could only go so loud. I distinctly remember one fight. We were right in the middle of celebrating my sister’s birthday, cake and all. I don’t know what started it, but my mom and stepdad were at it. Again. I left the table, went to my room, and did cut after cut after cut. And I was proud of those. I mean, I didn’t go showing them off, but every time I looked at them, I was proud. Each one was a story. It’s sick, I know, but I was proud of them. 

In a moment I regretted for years afterwards, I let my guard down and my long-sleeve shirt slipped up my arm, revealing my cuts. My dad asked me what happened. I told him I had hurt myself on accident, but it was very clear that whatever had happened to my arm was no accident. I pulled the sleeve down as fast as I could and went on. I don’t remember exactly what happened after that, but I know that within a few days I was in a doctor’s office and the doctor said he wanted me to check in to a mental hospital and that he wasn’t sure he could let me leave because he thought I might be a risk to myself. I was so angry - at the doctor, at my parents. They were taking away the one thing I loved, the only way I had to escape anything. I convinced him I was fine enough to go home. After all, I had been living this way for many years and wasn’t dead yet. I was sent home with prescriptions for anti-anxiety medication and anti-depressants. I was also assigned to a therapist I was to see weekly. For a long time, I just moved my cuts from my arm to my legs since no one could see them. Eventually things got better and I learned new ways of coping. I never made the decision to stop, it just sort of happened. Pretty soon I was going 2 days without cutting, then 5, then a month, then years. I think 3 years was my record. During a difficult time about 6 months ago, I briefly had difficulty with self-harm again, which is not something I’ve talked about with anyone. It came back with a vengeance. It consumed my entire thoughts. I cut more in a month-long span than I did in 4 years. And no one noticed that anything was wrong. I say this not because I am upset by this - trust me, I didn’t want anyone to notice. I say this because it’s self-injury awareness day, and I think it’s important to be aware. Be aware of the people around you and any differences you see. Just because you don’t see the cuts or the scars, don’t assume they’re not there. 

I have complete faith that I’ll be fine, and after my little set-back I feel better than ever and more positive than ever, and I hope that by writing this I have helped at least one person in even the smallest of ways.

2012.

I've never really done the whole New Year's resolutions thing. I figure that if there's something you're really serious about changing, you'll just do it. There's no reason to wait for a specific date or time to start if it's really something you're serious about. Plus, if you're always waiting for the perfect moment, the perfect moment will never come. That being said, the start of something new (such as a year), is really great time to take a look back at how far you've come and where you want to end up. I want to make sure that when I'm celebrating on January 1st, 2013, I can look back and see that I've become a better person since right now. That's all I want to do. I want to be a better person on January 1st, 2013 than I was on January 1st, 2012 - whatever that may entail. I have some ideas on how I can better myself and they are:

- Create something every day. Anything. It doesn't have to be a sculpture or a painting or a blanket. It could be as simple as a smile. If I create a smile by doing or saying something to someone, that's good enough for me. That being said, I probably shouldn't use the smile excuse every day.

- Stay more organized. The weird thing about life is that it really is just a huge chain reaction. One thing happens, which makes something else happen, which makes another thing happen, and that's it. I am always late. To everything. And it causes me so much stress in my day to day life. But I find that when I am organized, it helps me stay on time because I know exactly where what I'm looking for is, and I'm also a lot happier, not just because the area around me is cleaner and neater, but because I don't have as much stress in my life.

- Get rid of the junk. I actually started on this a couple weeks ago. I just went through a bunch of my drawers and storage areas in my room and just started throwing out (or donating) all the things I didn't use anymore. I definitely find it really hard to throw things out because I'm like 'Well, this cost money. I don't want to waste it!' But I have to be honest with myself, when was the last time I actually used that cheap body wash my cousin bought me for Christmas 4 years ago? So it went in the trash. It was just taking up space. Yes, it cost money, but there was no reason at all to keep it. I still have a long way to go, but it feels so much better to have that stuff out of my life. This idea, of course, can also be applied to the people, places, and things in your life that bring you down. Yes, it's true that coal can become diamonds, but don't waste your life waiting for it to happen :)

- Read 30 books. This is my most resolution-y goal, but I think it's important. I know that 30 books doesn't seem like a lot, but considering that I only read about 10 in 2011, I think it's a good start. Not only do I want to set this as a goal because I miss reading and I sometimes forget how much I love it, but because I think when you spend time reading, you get a lot of benefits. Not only do you get an escape, which can help ease stress, but you learn new things. You also spend less time doing things that may not be too good for you, like spending hours and hours and hours on the internet (guilty) or sleeping all day just because you can (guilty). I'm currently reading Paper Towns by John Green and hope to finish it in time to read The Fault in Our Stars (also by John Green) when it comes out January 10th.

In the end, I think your life is really what you make it. Unfortunately, sometimes we choose to let it get us down and feel like everything around us is really shitty, but it's not and it could be so much worse. 2012 can be as awesome as you want it to be :)